Dear reader,

before you throw down the book you are holding and start running as far away as you can, you might want to know why you should do that. This book is the only source of information about the miserable adventure of the Baudelaire orphans at the Heimlich Hospital, which means it is one of the most dreadful books in the entire world.

There are many pleasant things you could read about, but this particular book contains nothing pleasant. Its pages are filled with many tedious details, such as a suspicious shopkeeper, a pointless surgery, an intercom system, some heart-shaped balloons, and a sudden news of an arson - and you obviously have no desire to learn about any of this.

I had promised that I would investigate everything about this story and record it as best as I can, so it’s better that this book stays on the ground - after all, that’s where you found it, isn’t it?

With all due respect,